Too much thinking

My bff is back from her honeymoon. We hung out for Betty night on Thursday and she gave me my souvenirs from Paris and Belgium. Have a Eiffel Tower shot glass to add to my growing collection. Belgium is apparently known for their lace (who knew?) besides chocolate, so she got me an apron with Belgian lace. I showed it to my mom and she was like this is an apron you never use. So I need to find some pretty hooks where I can hang up the aprons I can never wear (two because of they are white). My bff also brought me back some chocolate in the shape of male genitalia, so yea. She showed me what she bought for her brother, obviously female shaped chocolate. I think it's quite funny though. I have naughty chocolate in my room.

Lately I've felt like I was a grown up. I'm old enough to be the licensed driver in a car with a permit driver (crazy!). I don't know but I've felt like I've been in a somewhat good place in my life. I have a job (not a career obviously, but it works for now), I'm still chugging along with school, still having ideas for what my project could be.

But then talking to other people it's like I'm reverted back to high school. How many people do I know that are married, have children, and I'm just here. Obviously I don't want to be married right now, and children never but I don't know. What happens when I'm still chugging along and I have nothing to really show for it? I mean yea I sort of have a house, and I get a lot of input in the changes that are happening but besides that what do I have? Two dogs? A 16 year old car? I come home to an empty house and it makes me sad sometimes.

I know I'm just wound up now. I don't like when people tell me to relax because that's not helping me in anyway. My family is still dealing with a lot of things so really telling me to take a deep breath doesn't help us out. In time things will return to where they need to be but that is probably years from now.

And of course when I do try to do something fun, it doesn't end up happening. I think I'll just quit planning things so it doesn't fall on my shoulders to make sure things run smoothly.

I wish I could just go away, anywhere pretty much and just be. Just get away from all the responsibilities I have, making sure everyone is ok, making sure everything is running smoothly at work. I just try to let go and for once in my life act young. I've never acted my age. I was always the little 40 year old, never did anything wrong, didn't get in trouble at school (except for the time I kicked a boy in the shin, but he kicked me first). I just want to not worry about things, let loose and have fun. Don't think I could do it though, I'm always worrying about something.